Top 10 Worst Hiit Songs of 2016

This year sucked. But we already know that, so let’s just jump right into this year’s mainstream music, which also sucked.

I decided that this was going to be the year I officially started listening to popular music on a regular basis, and holy crap, what awful timing I had. What little amount of genuine musicianship we had at the beginning of this decade has almost completely evaporated, leaving us with way too much monotonous mediocrity. And yes, I realize I’m saying that about the 2010s, the decade of lethargy, but it was especially bad this year. Apparently, 2015 and its better-than-usual hits was nothing more than a fluke. Don’t get me wrong, 2016 still had some great songs, but within the dull ocean of tropical beats and trap snares, the good songs are far too scarce.

Now since this is my first time doing one of these lists, let me lay out my ground rules. For each of these annual projects, a song is only eligible if it debuted in the Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Singles chart. Songs that got big towards the end of the year that didn’t make the 2016 list will be eligible for the 2017 list. With that said, let’s begin the countdown.

Number Ten!

I spent most of the year as a jobless loser who lives with his parents. Every time I think I’m close to getting my first job, something stupid happens and they never call me back. And then the pop stations began to taunt me over my lack of employment.

Wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh
When you ah guh
Luhn, luhn, luhn, luhn, luhn, luhn
Meh nah cyar if him
Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh

Actually, I think this might be subliminal messaging. Whatever, the Rihanna song’s not going on my list, because while she makes work seem much more stressful than it has to be, at least she’s not trying to actively discourage people from working.

10. Fifth Harmony ft Ty Dolla $ign – “Work from Home”

You know, “Worth It” may be a musical disaster, but it doesn’t compare to “Work from Home” and its false perception of, uh, “feminism”, if you can really call it that. If you can stand to sit through Camila’s singing, this first verse throws all the supposed feminism out the window.

I ain’t worried ’bout nothin’, I ain’t wearing na nada
I’m sittin’ pretty, impatient, but I know you gotta
Put in them hours, Imma make it harder
I’m sending pic after picture, Imma get you fired

That’s right. She’s intentionally trying to get her man fired so he can fill that eight hour void with sexytime, ‘cause who needs money? It’s not like you’re paying for the apartment you love to bang each other in! Hope you enjoy your eviction, bitch.

I guess the reason why these women are so stupidly horny is because their boyfriends are on the night shift, which I do understand, but it leads to a new problem: why are you always waiting until late at night? I know nighttime is sexier, but since he’s barely available, it’s no longer an option. I never heard anything about you having a day job, so what’s the point of waiting? You have all day to get it on. I should know, since I’m a total player myself!

(*sob*) I’m so lonely…

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

That one word is pounded into your brain over and over again. I honestly prefer Rihanna’s intoxicated mumbling to this. Outside of that monotonously repetitive chorus, the rest of these girls’ contributions is really nothing more than work-based puns that aren’t lame enough to mention. Ty Dolla $ign’s on the track as well, but he has nothing to say. I mean, I wasn’t exactly hoping he would sing about how his girlfriend put a black mark on his resumé, as satisfying as that would’ve been. Then, of course, Camila Cabello snorts a whole lot of helium as she sings the final chorus. That nasally, whiny voice is just… okay, remember back in the *NSYNC days when Justin was so unfortunately determined to sing just as nasally as his girlfriend?

It’s gonna be maaaaAAAAaaayyyy

That is the best way I can describe Camila’s singing, and unfortunately, she’s no Justin Timberlake, modern or early. And as we all know, Camila left the group at the end of the year to pursue a solo career. One one hand, maybe this means the remaining members will do better without her, but on the other…

You don’t gotta go to work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

You know, none of you have to go to work at all. But it’s not going to make your music any better.

Number Nine!

It’s so cute when innocent teen idols grow up and think they can be sexual adults. They try so hard, but no one’s ever going to believe it. Especially when this is the best they have to offer.

9. Zayn – “Pillowtalk”

Okay, so One Direction were never masters of subtlety, so I can’t say I’m all that surprised that Zayn Malik got sick of manipulating his fans’s feelings and instead wanted to tell them to their faces that he’s ready to get kinky. And he tries to tell them, he really does. Unfortunately, it sounds like he had a dentist’s appointment a few hours before recording, and he didn’t bother to wait for the novocaine to wear off.

Pahradaizzzsss, pahradaizzzsss, pahradaizzzsss, pahradaizzzsss
Wahzoo, wahzoo, wahzoo, wahzoo

Say it with me, Zayn: braised beef is brilliant. Even though Zayn is refusing to enunciate, it’s still very clear that what your listening to is a sex jam. I’m sure my misheard lyrics are relating to sexual acts.

Clam on board…?

I shucked a clam last night, if you know what I mean.

I’d love to bake her next to you

…Okay, I’m not even going to touch that one.

So not only is this song blatant about its subject, which is the biggest reason why a lot of sex songs fail, but Zayn doesn’t even sound like he’s trying. I’m not even talking about his diction, I’m talking about this performance. He just sounds checked out, almost as if having sex is a chore to him. The music doesn’t help either. Listen to this, it’s like new age garbage R&B. I’m not against experimental music by any means, but there is so much non-music being thrown at your face, it almost makes you feel like you’re going through sensory overload, and the video does not make it any easier to sit through. Altogether, it looks like something that can be used to brainwash people. And we can expect more of this in the future, given that Zayn is actually writing songs for bad BDSM films nowadays. Really, we should’ve seen this coming.

Number Eight!

Oh, but that’s not my last example of teen idols being sexual.

8. Selena Gomez – “Hands to Myself”

Selena Gomez had it rough. Anyone who sells their soul to the Mouse of Anaheim and/or Orlando is not gonna come out normal. After years of catering to millions of children who inexplicably watch your dumb little sitcom, you’re bound to go insane. Once you break free, logically, the next step is to embrace your adulthood, right? If Miley Cyrus could do it, anyone can! (no one can)

“Hands to Myself” shares a lot of the problems I have with most of Selena’s music; primarily that the instrumentation is extremely stale. This breathy synth line that’s going on here could be seen as… I don’t know, erotic asphyxiation, maybe, but I’m not feeling it. I don’t know why Selena seeks out these lifeless beats, as it totally kills the mood she’s trying to sell.

Speaking of, Selena’s been trying out the “I’m an adult and happy to express my sexuality” phase for a little over a year now, but unlike her teen star contemporaries, Selena has little to no vocal personality to pull off the charade, which means she has to rely on picking the most explicit material she sets her eyes on. So it’s not very surprising that “Hands to Myself” is about straight-up lovemaking.

What is surprising is the lack of consent.

Can’t keep my hands to myself
No matter how hard I’m trying to

Is the fact that Selena still looks like a teenager not creepy enough for you? Well here’s a song about the erotic fascination of sexual harassment. None of the writers have come out and said it, but to me, it is very clear that this song is from the perspective of a sex offender. Seriously, why don’t more people see it?

So come on give me a taste
Of what it’s like to be next to you
Won’t let one drop go to waste

Ewwwwww.

You’re metaphorical gin and juice

I think Snoop Dogg just died inside. Oh, and if there’s any more doubt toward my claim of sexual harassment, allow me to present my final piece of evidence.

Can’t keep my hands to myself
ImeanIcould, but whyyyywouldIwant to?

(*exasperated sigh*) Kill me.

That right there is the worst part of the song. For one thing, she explicitly thinks there’s nothing wrong with choosing to touch your naughty bits without asking. But more importantly…

ImeanIcould, but whyyyywouldIwant to?

If you think your lyric is so good that you have to ruin the cadence, people are going to notice how rushed and out of place it sounds. Or at least it would, had it not been for the public calling it one of the best moments in music this year. You got lucky, guys. You’re not as good as you think you are.

Look, the song’s still creepy as hell. I know she didn’t mean it, but Selena Gomez is inadvertently channeling the spirit of Robin Thicke’s dead career. Where’s Sonic Sez when you need it?

Number Seven!

This guy has been a major pop star for almost eight years now, and for some ungodly reason, we decided that this would be the year he peaked.

7. Drake ft. Wizkid and Kyla – “One Dance”

There were a lot of terrible Drake songs to pick from, but I singled out his biggest hit this year based on the sheer incompetence of everyone involved with it, either directly or indirectly. This is the third-biggest song of the year, it was at number one for ten weeks, it set new streaming records, and it re-established Drake’s superstardom, all without the aid of a music video. But it suuuuuuuucks.

First off, the audio quality is complete garbage. Drake sounds fine, but everything else sounds like it was recorded off of a static television. It doesn’t even sound like sound filters, it’s just bad mixing. The melody is just three staccato piano chords repeated ad nauseum, but thanks to the awful recording process, it barely sounds like a piano. Drake, the clearest-sounding noise in the room, is just as monotone as ever as he sings about how he wants to dance at the club one more time so he can escape from the mean streets of Toronto. I, on the other hand, choose to believe he’s really just some drunk moron hitting on a stripper. After two verses and two choruses of nothing at all, Drake leaves the studio to go make himself a sandwich or something, and the two guest artists, Wizkid and Kyla, take over for him.

Actually, I shouldn’t really call them guest artists at all, because Kyla’s part is very clearly sampled, and I flat out refuse to believe Wizkid and Drake even met each other. And no, the guy in charge of mixing doesn’t make them sound good either. Wizkid’s contribution is drowned out by a guitar “solo” that is so basic and boring I don’t even want to know how to play it, and it’s mixed so poorly you can barely make out what he’s saying. At least you can understand what Kyla’s saying through that awful filter. Until this happens.

Whe- whe- whe- whe-
Whe- whe- whe- whe-
(insert whatever the hell Wizkid’s saying here)

Choppy vocals. Brilliant.

‘Cause if you’re doooooown
(?)
‘Cause if you’re doooooown
(?!?!?!?!?)
‘Cause if you’re doooooown
(For God’s sake, dude, speak up.)

Thankfully, though, Drake comes back with a machine gun and takes care of those two. You can almost hear Kyla gasping for air in the background as she dies her slow and painful death.

…Oh, sorry, that’s part of the song. Thought something interesting happened for a moment there.

Number Six!

6. Meghan Trainor – “Me Too”

(*sigh*) Had to get to the obvious pick eventually. Yes, Meghan Trainor, known for her previous hit songs “Boys Like Thicker Girls (And Nobody Else)”, “Nuclear Family Disaster”, and more recently, “STFU U Stupid Boi”, has taken the daunting task of writing a self-empowerment anthem (ugh). How does she pull this off? By telling us how much better she is than us, of course! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to take on the world!

I distinctly remember what I was doing when I heard “Me Too” for the first time. On the morning of June 13, I was walking home from a Starbucks with a venti caramel frappuccino in my hand while listening to internet radio. This song came on and… I laughed the entire time. I guess my thought process at the time was something along the lines of “omigod, this is totes embarrassing lolz! #MeghanIsOverParty”. I don’t know what I was thinking, because in pretty much every sense, this is the most insulting song ever written. In this song, Massive Trainwreck plays the role of an unbearable primadonna who insists that everyone else envies her. With a bad foreign accent.

Eef I was yu, I’d hwanna be mi tu

It’s better than her nasally alto voice, which sounds like a female impression of Layne Staley, but not by much. Even if I was jealous of Meghan, which I very much am not, I don’t think anyone would want to be her when she says things like this.

My life’s a movie, Tom (Cruise)

Hashtag lyrics! It’s something people still do, apparently.

So bless me, baby, ah-(choo)

(*facepalm*) Thanks, Kevin Gates. Now we have two people to blame for the “ah-choo” joke.

Then there’s the production. Though will.i.am was deservedly kicked out of the pop world years ago, his obsession with non-musical music has sadly stuck around without him. This song’s melody sounds like some machine starting up. There’s got to be a video somewhere where this is the sound that comes out of Leatherface’s chainsaw.

I get that Meghan Trainor’s trying to write inspiring songs, but her execution is what ruins everything. If she wants to keep trying this, the best move is to let more experienced writers do the job for her. In the case that that doesn’t happen, we’ll just have to hope that she’s gone soon and hoping she was somebody else.

Number Five!

5. Ruth B – “Lost Boy”

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook

…Is this a joke? Did some first grader send in their poetry assignment to a record producer?

This song is an extreme, both in boredom and in laziness. I don’t mind stripped-down piano ballads, but is it too much to ask for a little complexity? The most complex part of the song is the arpeggio leading up to the chorus. Everything else is just single piano chords. “All of Me” sounds like Dragonforce next to this.

So I guess Ruth B is some lonely child whom Peter Pan takes to Neverland? (*sigh*) You know those painfully novice author-insert stories from the ignored corner of FanFiction? This is pretty much the musical equivalent of that.

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
Believe in him and believe in me

And yet, Peter Pan eventually grew up and stopped believing. This song is not using metaphors. All it is is the plot to the Peter Pan story written in the laziest way possible. Christ, the first half of the bridge is just her name-checking the main characters. There is barely any effort put into this. The only reason why it got popular in the first place was because it was basic enough to get noticed through Vine.

By this point, everyone and their mom has made the comparison between this song and Kelsea Ballerini’s “Peter Pan“, so I don’t really need to say anything about that here. But I do want to share a few lyrics from that song. Try to imagine Kelsea talking directly to Ruth B as you read this.

You’re just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You’re just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

Yeah, I get the feeling that Ruth B seems to be enjoying her trip to Neverland a little too much. She’s so caught up in her lost boy fantasy that she even forgot she was a girl. By the way, why isn’t this song called “Lost Girl”? Is that name not cool enough for you?

“Run, run, lost boy,” they’d say to me,
“away from all of reality.”

She seems perfectly happy in her twisted fantasy, so I think it’s better for her to stay in the Neverland in her subconscious.

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!

Number Four!

Wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki
Hol’ up, wiki wiki wik…
Wait, is it “wiki” or “wiggin’”?
“Wiggle”?

“Weegee”…?

As we speak, the Atlanta Hip Hop scene is being blacklisted (in my mind, at least) as a mumbling, draining, lazy field of nightmares. And pretty much everybody over there is emulating Lord Future’s signature style of abusing Auto-Tune, failing to emote, writing about nothing more than luxury rap, and overall not living up to the name “Future”. Or you know what, maybe he is. Maybe he foresees a global apocalypse where his music is the only thing available. Certainly not a future I would want to live in. And you know, I find it pitifully ironic that Future was completely destroyed on the charts this year by one of his many imitators. And you wanna know something? He’s not much better.

4. Desiigner – “Panda”

(*mumble mumble mumble*)
(*background screaming*)

Listen, I never once expected anyone else to put this on their worst list. I know I’m probably going to get a lot of confused looks for putting this song this high. But you know what? Trauma only has to happen once, and during my first listen, I knew immediately that this was going to be a contender for my worst song of the year.

So, this Desiigner kid’s a total Future ripoff, am I right? Well, look, I mean it when I say that a lot of people down south are doing this sort of thing. The Rap Critic even explained it in his review of the song- Mumble Rap is the South’s new trademark, so in that case, he’s not stealing Future’s gimmick. He’s just doing what everybody does.

Desiigner is from New York. So let’s just call it how we see it: this guy’s a total Future ripoff, end of story.

To be fair, he has a much better flow than most of today’s Southern Rappers, but that somehow only makes him less intelligible. But it’s not like it really matters what he’s saying; it’s just the same old same old. No, the real problem with this song is everything else. This song is absolutely nauseating. That’s how I best describe my first listen. Desiigner may not be saying anything nauseating…

I got broads, yeah I get it
I got cards, yeah I shitted

Okay, not intentionally, at least, but like I said, this isn’t about the lyrics. It’s about how this song sounds. The beat may sound like any other high-tempo trap beat, but when paired up with Desiigner and his, uh, “quirks”, it makes the song completely unlistenable. If you have to ask about these quirks, here’s what he does.

AAUAUGH!
KI! KI! KI! KI!
FYRYRYRYRYRYRYAAAAAUUGH!

He makes these… sounds. I thought for the longest time that it was some deranged Kabuki performer who somehow made his way into the studio, or even just part of the beat, but no, that’s the rapper’s official gimmick. Acting like an epilepsy patient. He does that on all of his songs, and I don’t know about you, but I find it really unsettling that these demonic noises are being made by someone my age. The guy sounds like he’s going to throw up. Fitting, considering that’s exactly how I feel when I listen to this song.

Oddly enough, I actually like his follow-up, “Tiimmy Turner” quite a bit despite his awful mannerisms. It baffles me how I could like one song from him and hate another despite being very similar to each other. Listening to both songs back to back, however, I realized the underlying problem. When those droning synth tones are paired up with Desiigner’s bulimic episode in the background, it seriously makes me physically ill. I felt like I was getting carsick while listening to that song. And I am very certain it had nothing to do with the fact that I was in a bus when I first heard it!

(*long pause*)

…Let’s move on, please.

Number Three!

this song entered the top ten at it’s twenty-fifth week on the charts. that makes it one of the biggest and most surprising sleeper hits of the year. and after all that, it took an even longer time, as in right when the year was good and over, for me to realize how much i thoroughly despised it.

3. gnash ft. olivia o’brien – “i hate u, i love u”

in a year where the charts were dominated by mind-numbingly tedious dirges that we could’ve used to cure insomnia, anti-capitalization nazi gnash says to himself, “what, are you serious? you don’t even know sad music.” and with that came “i hate u, i love u”, a song specifically composed for all the emo teens that have grown into emo adults.

2016 was apparently a really good year for duets about broken relationships, with the majority of them being douchey as hell. guy looks like a bitter douchebag, girl looks like a dolt who can’t move on from her past relationships. i want to assume that’s happening in this song as well, but there’s just too much going on here. it’s like a wall of mixed emotions clattering together into complete gibberish.

you ever wonder what we could have been?
you said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed

i doubt the alcohol’s gonna do anything to help you, guy.

i know that i control my thoughts and i should stop reminiscing
but i learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings

you obviously don’t. you just said you were going through a lot of mixed emotions. that’s another thing- gnash always feels the need to remind his ex that he has feelings, like he’s a fragile flower who can’t handle the pains of a relationship. and yet, he thinks he can get away with saying things like this.

oh oh, keep it on the low
you’re still in love with me, but your friends don’t know
if you wanted me, you would just say so
and if i were you, i would never let me go

d-d-d-d-douche!

i’ll give gnash credit for at least sounding like he’s trying to put emotion into his performance. of course, though, we need to hear the other side of this breakup. the co-performer is olivia o’brien, who was only sixteen years old at the time. i’m just going to ignore the fact that this is a duet between an adult male and a minor. her verse is even more overwrought than gnash’s bars, and yet she sounds completely monotone, like she’s reading off of a script.

you don't care, you never did
you don't give a damn about me

you know, this song sounds like something meant to be played when the world ends. look, the emo demographic is long gone, and we don’t need anymore songs for people to cut themselves to. next!

Number Two!

I only have one thing to say to the guy responsible for this next song: nice guys finish last.

2. Shawn Mendes – “Treat You Better”

I won’t lie to you
I know he’s just not right for you

Hear that, teenage girl? Shawn doesn’t like how your boyfriend’s treating you! You need to do the right thing and dump that guy… in exchange for the gentleman that is Shawn Mendes, of course! Can someone please tell me if this actually works in real life? I hear so many rap songs today talking about stealing other guys’ girls, and I never believe it to be anything more than obvious lies, ‘cause no one should do that to anyone, even if he is a total dick. Even if that were the case, he’d probably kick your ass, so either way, it’s a lose-lose situation.

So yeah, that’s the premise of the song, and it’s just as infuriating as you’d expect it to be.

And you’re spending all your time in this wrong situation

How would you know? Have you been stalking this chick? …Or are you stalking her boyfriend?

I just wanna give you the loving that you’re missing
Baby, just to wake up with you
Would be everything I need and this could be so different
Tell me what you want to do

Oh, that’s reassuring. At least he admits he’s only thinking about himself.

Just know that you don’t have to do this alone

Forget about it, Mendes. You already told her you don’t care about her.

Tell me, why are we wasting time
On all your wasted crime
When you should be with me instead?

This is the part that really pisses me off: the inclusion of the word “should”. If he used “could”, it would sound douchey and whiny, and as we all know, Shawn Mendes falls into neither of those categories, right, Mendes Army? So instead, he’s openly trying to suggest that the girl has no choice but to get with Mendes. Yeah, he’s a real gentleman, all right.

By the way, I like to pretend these last few lines are being spoken to the girl in question, just because it makes Mendes look like a moron.

I know I can treat you better

“Yeah, thanks, Shawn, but I’m hap-”

PESCETARIAN!!

“U-um…”

BANG LIBRARIAN!!

“Sh-Shawn, are you feeling alri-?”

GET A MAMMOGRAM!!

“Okay, I’m leaving now. Hope you get better soon. Let’s go, Justin.”

The video tries to justify this song’s existence by suggesting that Mendes is singing to a victim of domestic abuse, but no one with a brain would actually fall for it. It doesn’t change the song’s tone at all. In fact, I honestly think it makes Mendes look worse because he’s not just singing this to some random girl he likes anymore. No, he is telling a domestic abuse victim, who also may be going through a lot of psychological damage right now, that she needs to stop sleeping with that guy, and start sleeping with me instead. Good. Lord.

And the sad thing is that his rabid teenage fanbase will always eat up these messages without thinking of the implications. I guess the only way they’ll learn is when they’re stuck with these dogged nice guys themselves.

Honorable Mentions

After that marathon of depression, let’s now look back a few more reasons why 2016 was so bad.

Post Malone – “White Iverson”

Post Malone seems like the kind of white guy who really wants to be black, but instead of copying the obvious stereotypes like in Malibu’s Most Wanted, he’s decided to be like one of those mumble rappers. That’s not an improvement.

P!nk – “Just Like Fire”

I remember when P!nk had personality. Those were the days.

Lukas Graham – “7 Years”

Congratulations, Lukas. You got America to care long enough about your amazingly incredible life. Hope you enjoy our One-Hit Motel.

DNCE – “Cake By the Ocean”

Putting aside the bad title metaphor and Joe Jonas’s godawful falsetto voice, the absolute worst thing about this song is the instrumentation. For as admittedly awesome as that bassline is, it’s all ruined when you have every other instrument playing the same riff over it. It sounds ugly in the most annoying way possible.

Daya – “Hide Away”

He’s gonna save my life like Superman

Really! You know, I think I can get you someone better than Superman.

Charlie Puth – “One Call Away”

Superman got nothing on me

There. Isn’t that just the perfect match?

Yo Gotti – “Down in the DM”

Let me make it clear: the reason why there are so many Snapchat references here is because Yo Gotti needed to find some way to disguise this creepy stalker anthem as something else.

Drake ft. “Jay-Z” & Kanye West – “Pop Style”

Got so many chains they call me “Chaining Tatum”

Dude… no…

Number One!

Let me go back to Meghan Trainor real quick. For as jaw-droppingly awful as “Me Too” is, and for how much I hate the fact that it got big, I do get why it got big. Look at the lead artist. She’s one of our primary pop stars. People bought the song because they like Meghan Trainor. I don’t get how they like the song, but still, name recognition played a big part. Hell, even Ruth B, who’s a total unknown in the pop world, had the assistance of Vine users. Even though that song didn’t belong anywhere near the Top 40, we all just underestimated the power of Vines once again, and the song got big.

My number one pick doesn’t have any of those excuses. No, this song was a total fluke that allegedly managed to get big by cheating the system. But that’s not why the song is my number one pick. This is the worst song of the year because it the one song that least deserved to get popular.

1. Kiiara – “Gold”

(*indiscernible*)

I shouldn’t even have to explain why this song sucks. Within the first few seconds, you know you’re in for something else. That intro, consisting entirely of jumbled-up sampling, is the hook. This is the part of the song that is supposed to draw you in, but instead, it pushes you away. But that’s not the worst of it. This is my number one pick for a reason, folks. There is so much wrong with this song that I have to address.

The production may sound tediously minimalistic, but it has enough minor annoyances to drive you insane. Kiiara’s vocals have way too much reverb, and the main percussion is this leaky faucet effect that sounds like Chinese water torture. Together, it sounds like this song was recorded in a sewer.

Kiiara’s singing with obviously fake Caribbean inflections- that’s another trend that needs to die- while giving off some of the most unconvincing gangsta vibes I’ve ever heard, though, again, you can barely understand what she’s saying in the first place. The “gold” she’s talking about is grills, hence the line “tastes like money when I speak”. I always thought money was covered in germs, so I have no idea why anyone would want to put that crap in their mouths. More importantly: Kiiara, you’re a white chick from rural Illinois. If someone like you is wearing grills, you must have some serious problems. Oh, and you’re welcome for that clarification of the lyrics.

By the way, the lyrical content is just crap. None of the lines in the first verse even attempt to rhyme with each other, and it feels like she’s just spewing exposition.

Gold up in my-gold up in my teeth
Don’t care what you say to me, Imma bite your feelings out
And I missed you in the basement
But your brother made a good substitute for you

Boring, boring, hey loser, I’m dating your brother now. That’s gotta be the easiest way anyone’s ever scored a date. The second verse isn’t much better. All it is is the first verse with the second and fourth lines changed, and it’s also repeated for the third verse.

Gold up in my-gold up in my teeth
Taste like money when I speak
And I missed you in the basement
Bodies on the pavement

Ohhhhhh, Kiiara the gold-chewer, going on a killing spree. Run for your liiiiiives. Yeah, I didn’t believe Iggy Azalea in “Black Widow”, and I certainly don’t believe you.

And if you love me, love me but you never let me go
When the roof was on fire, you never let me know
Say you’re sorry honey, but you never really show
And I could leave the party without ever letting you know
Without ever letting you know

I don’t even have anything to say about this pre-chorus, I just wanted to list every lyric for completion’s sake. That’s right, I’ve written out the entire song, unless you count the sampling hook, which I’m not going to transcribe. The song is on autopilot the entire time, so there is no reason to listen to it the whole way through, let alone at all.

“Gold” by Kiiara is my worst hit song of 2016. It’s time to leave this party, without ever letting her know.

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